On a quest to unravel the mystery of true happiness Matthieu Ricard left his life as a molecular biologist to become a Buddhist monk in the mountains of Tibet. In a 2004 TED presentation (Matthieu Ricard 2004 TED Talk) he illustrates the difference between fleeting pleasures and sustained well-being. “A beautiful chocolate cake… the first serving is delicious, second one… not so much… then we feel disgust. That’s’ the nature of things. We get tired.” When you feel cold, you approach the fire only to retreat moments later because of the heat of the flames.
He continues to explain how meditation is a vital technique involved in training the mind, ultimately leading to ones overall ability to control their state of consciousness. We spend endless hours conditioning our bodies through physical exercise, but when it comes to our minds, we invest very little.
As the quintessential re-inventor, Ricard emphasizes the difficulty in recognizing the difference between a new roadand adead end. A temporary setback should not force you to throw in the towel any more than a lucky roll tempts you to keep on playing. Pleasure and pain are simply opposite sides of the same mirage... blurring the foundation of sound judgment. Pleasure can be intoxicating, especially in a culture centered on immediate gratification. The rush of “newness” seduces even the most grounded individuals, often becoming addictive. The grass may indeed be greener on the other side, but it shrivels and dies when trampled on over and over. Be careful not to exit too early for the promise of something new, whether it’s a relationship, career or card game, only to realize later that maintenance and discipline will be required in any new venture as well.
True re-inventors then are not impulsive flip-floppers that change sides on a whim because they don’t like the current conditions. They zoom out to see the big picture, understanding that success is not dictated by a single game but is rather a long-term strategy. Some doors do indeed close, but the key to taking any new path, as Lewis Carroll reminds us in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, is knowing where you want to go…
One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. Which road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go? was his response. I don't know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesn't matter.
So the main issue for re-inventors, especially during this brutal economic crisis, that has blatantly forced so many people out of their industries, is re-navigating their professional destinations… deciding where to go. Yes… the world has been shaken like a massive snow globe, but maybe there’s a blessing in drag here. Peel back the layers of shock, discomfort and inconvenience, and you might have a sexy pearl... like the “ugly girl” in any high school coming-of-age drama ---- brush hair, remove nerdy glasses, add lip-gloss and BAM... you’ve got an instant hottie.
It’s just about any episode of Jerry Springer. We’re all sad that Anastasia’s moving on from the wonderful, monster truck driver she can’t live without… who is also sleeping with her sister’s, boyfriend’s tranny-lover, but... at the same time… we cherish her opportunity to start fresh. This is basically the professional environment for a lot of people these days.
Sometimes… for a host of reasons… you just can’t go back.
NOTE: Please stay tuned as JAMLAB explores an array of additional professional positions, including but not limited to:
• UNDECLARED - Those perpetually uncommitted in their professional lives. • KNOWERS - Those that discover their true calling early in life. • DAY-JOBBERS - Those that work to support their true passion. • COMPLACENTS - Those ambivalent toward their work. • RE-KINDLERS - Those seeking to re-discover the passion they once had in their career.
“Wherever you are, it is your friends who make your world.” – William James
Almost certainly because a close friend of mine left Portland last Friday to return to Southern California, I feel genuinely compelled to talk about friendship this week. Although abrupt and distressing, his departure reminded me that true friendship is as essential in our lives as any other component. Connecting with another person that you respect and appreciate psychologically sooths the mind and soul. Friendship is a deliberate choice... a personal expression based on inclusion and acceptance… free from judgment or obligation. The words of poet and philosopher Kahlil Gibran capture this notion as eloquently as anyone;
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most
in him may be clearer in his absence,
as the mountain to the climber
is clearer from the plain…
And let your best be for your friend
that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need,
but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship
let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things
the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.
I'm trying, with all of my will, to see the positive in the situation, but it's difficult because the "mountain" is essentially his old house and the "plain" is the view from mine. That dark, empty house across the street is a permanent, structural representation of his absence.
This fresh and exposed wound has stirred up some thoughts about how we interact socially in a 21st century global society... urging me to contemplate the meaning of friendship more acutely.
The Erosion of Intimacy…
I suppose one of the reasons I resisted Facebook and all other preceding social networking sites for so long is that they basically place everyone into the same social stratum. This erosion of personal intimacy is embedded in the design. There is no Facebook “BFF” or “acquaintance” category. You’re either a “friend” or not. How is one supposed to prioritize their relationships? I know you can chat or direct message someone, but generally, and I’m just a newcomer, people broadcast information to their wall for instant consumption by everyone in their network. It’s very impersonal. Don’t get me wrong. I welcome the benefits these powerful social tools bring, but quality of intimacy is sometimes more important than quantity of friends.
During my son’s recent appendectomy, an impromptu discussion started in the surgery waiting room about using Facebook to notify friends in emergency situations. A woman, whose son had decided to impress her by jumping from the metal slide to the monkey bars, was expressing how frustrated her mom was because she learned of her grandson’s injury through a Facebook post. Her feelings were hurt because she didn’t get the news personally from her daughter… “I had to find out through Facebook,” she exclaimed. Suspending “generational” limitations for a moment, I think we can understand how this might be offensive to a close friend or family member.
Tiers of Friendship
If Facebook created different tiers of friendship, not only would it be more dynamic… like a social-reality-video-game, it would resolve this intimacy problem. Imagine how challenging it would be if you had 12 levels of friendship to negotiate, rather than one. I thought this idea should circulate as quickly as possible so I forwarded the following proposal to Mark Zuckerberg.
Proposed Tiers of Friendship for Facebook
That’s more like it. I mean, at least make it a little more challenging than:
It’s too easy. I’ll friend anybody whose name I recognize or gives me a random complement. It’s a fairly loose standard… right? No offense, but when someone won’t friend you on Facebook, you know you’ve got issues. Now… with Facebook FRIEND-TIERS, we have the excitement and complexity of climbing a multifaceted social ladder that will keep us energized and motivated indefinitely. I can’t stop thinking about how many “besties” I’m gonna get.
If you could post to only people in your “close friend” tier, you could let your mom and other important family members get the emergency surgery scoop first. Maybe you want to invite every "3rd - tier friend" or above to your dinner party. No need for stalkers or outsiders to have this information, right?
Wear your heart on your "wall."
OK, OK… enough sarcasm. Let's shift gears and get back to the real essence of this message... meaningful friendship. Instead of focusing on the limitations of social networking, let's exploit the quantitative power of the web to create a higher level of personal intimacy? How…? Tell everybody. Substantiate the authenticity of your feelings. Isn’t the risk of mass social scrutiny or embarrassment the highest level of sincerity we know? Privacy is practically obsolete anyway so “wear your heart on your wall” so to speak. It’s the digital equivalent of the “love confession” scene in so many movies… you know, where the desperate guy finally professes his true feelings in front of a contentious crowd of people often in a classroom or during a wedding service at the last possible minute. Remember Ben (Dustin Hoffman) in The Graduate?
The Graduate
So… where’s all this going? Why the big build-up? You might have guessed… I have a special someone to reach out to. No… not like that. I’m not cheating on my wife or sending pictures of my junk out for mass consumption. I simply want to let everyone know about how much I’m going to miss my great friend Chris. Instead of sending him a heartfelt letter, I’m going to let everyone in the digital domain know about my feelings. So… here it is.
I Love You, Man…
Let’s face it… our country, for reasons we won’t analyze now, is absurdly homophobic. The idea of intimacy between men just fu$#ing scares people. This is why we have bromantic comedies that satirize male bonding like I Love You, Man and the "hugshake," where men shake hands and do a one-arm hug simultaneously to create enough distance between bodies to avoid penis contact. Seriously, the undercurrent of social awkwardness regarding affection between guys is relentless in American culture. Well… I say… “NO MORE!”
I say show your friends and loved ones, regardless of gender, how much they mean to you as often as you can and as dramatically as possible. Don’t wait until there’s conflict or someone gets hurt or becomes ill. Ignore the homophobia, ignorance or social discomfort that says men can't show affection to one another. Even now... guys reading this are thinking, “That’s gay.” No. You know what? It’s awesome.
The movie Shawshank Redemption, adapted from a short story by Stephen King, was an extraordinary portrayal of friendship and loyalty that developed between Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins) and Ellis "Red" Redding (Morgan Freeman) in a state penitentiary during the mid 1900’s. After 19 years of wrongful imprisonment, Andy finally escapes. His absence, deeply felt by "Red" is poignantly described in this scene:
"Andy Dufresne… who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side. Andy Dufresne… headed for the Pacific. Those of us who knew him best talk about him often. I swear the stuff he pulled. Sometimes it makes me sad, though, Andy being gone. I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright and when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice, but still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend."
Just replace “Andy” with “Chris” and you’ll understand what I’m going through. My world, similar to Red’s, is now that much more drab and empty now that he’s gone. I know that you already know, but for the official digital record, Chris, I love you, man. You will be greatly missed my friend.
Now please… go join Facebook… so I can "friend" you.
As the quintessential re-inventor, Ricard emphasizes the difficulty in recognizing the difference between a new road and a dead end. A temporary setback should not force you to throw in the towel any more than a lucky roll tempts you to keep on playing. Pleasure and pain are simply opposite sides of the same mirage... blurring the foundation of sound judgment. Pleasure can be intoxicating, especially in a culture centered on immediate gratification. The rush of “newness” seduces even the most grounded individuals, often becoming addictive. The grass may indeed be greener on the other side, but it shrivels and dies when trampled on over and over. Be careful not to exit too early for the promise of something new, whether it’s a relationship, career or card game, only to realize later that maintenance and 
So the main issue for re-inventors, especially during this brutal economic crisis, that has blatantly forced so many people out of their industries, is re-navigating their professional destinations… deciding where to go. Yes… the world has been shaken like a massive snow globe, but maybe there’s a blessing in drag here. Peel back the layers of shock, discomfort and inconvenience, and you might have a sexy pearl... like the “ugly girl” in any high school coming-of-age drama ---- brush hair, remove nerdy glasses, add lip-gloss and BAM... you’ve got an instant hottie. 
