Chief Executive Parent (C.E.P.)

B.C./A.C.


Your world becomes concretely divided into 2 distinct parts after having kids - B.C. (before children) and A.C. (after children). Some people say that about marriage, but compared to kids, marriage barely makes the “life change” list. Of course, having a “significant other” is significant, but you’re not changing diapers, preventing tantrums, or reminding your spouse to “use their words” every day (or at least the diaper part). I have seen my share of catastrophic adult meltdowns though, when primal brain functioning cuts off access to the pre-frontal cortex faster than you can say, “Another martini, please.”  But… that's another chapter.

I’m now living in about 5 A.C. and often wonder where all my free time went in the B.C. years… casual weekends sleeping in - when the day felt complete if you made it to brunch and back. Aaaahhhhhhhh… those days… only a distant memory. And remember spontaneous sex… and movies and leisure and hobbies and friends and uninterrupted conversations? That was awesome.

Higher Stakes…

The A.C. period catapults parents from the shallow end of the community pool to the crest of an Asian tsunami almost overnight. It’s like T-ball to the Majors instantaneously… with no summer training camp and no time-outs (except when you’re giving them). The transition is abrupt and overwhelming… with no safety net, warranty or return policy. Once you’re responsible for the security, development, and self-esteem of another human being, the game totally changes – the stakes couldn’t be higher.

Most likely, I would have never directly elected to become the primary caregiver of my two young children, not because I personally object to this, but because the opportunity did not surface until the global economy tanked and the architecture industry fell off a cliff. I was suddenly thrust into a new occupation – full-time Dad – sink or swim.

Full-time parenting is a demanding skill that works both the brain and body. With increased exercise, comes higher endurance and better performance. I referenced Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000-hour rule from Outliers recently and I’m easily over half way there in parenting hours so far – approaching expert level, I suppose. Still... not a day goes by without struggle. This job can be lonely, monotonous, and often without praise or recognition. The hours are long and constant. The qualities required to be an exceptional parent are strenuous even for the most selfless individuals… nurturing, listening, providing, encouraging, supporting, attending, disciplining, challenging, engaging, fostering, helping......... LOVING. 

It's exhausting... yet... at the same time, cathartic and sublime. This last Memorial Day, out of the clear blue, my daughter said, “Daddy, when I look at you, I feel like my heart is in you… my inside feels like a flower. You are my flower.” I still get choked up thinking about it. Without the time and effort, this poetic gift would not have been bestowed upon me. Fortunately, in being present day in and day out, I get to discover these mystifying and spontaneous pearls. 

Chief Executive Parent (C.E.P.)

Through developing more experience, I realize that committed parenting is an unexpected yet substantial prerequisite for fulfillment in other life ventures. Re-reading M. Scott Peck's The Road Less Traveled this week reminded me of this truth. "Parents are executives, and despite the fact that they are ill-prepared for it, their task can be every bit as complex as directing a company or corporation." (Peck 32) I am the Chief Executive Parent (C.E.P.) running the domestic affairs business, not "taking time off" from my professional role in the "working" world. I'm establishing the most meaningful career experience possible and the training is invaluable. 


Navigating the realm of human emotion from a child's point of view requires sustained attention, patience and imagination. One cannot rely on standard forms of adult reason or rational thought because children do not yet posses this cognitive ability. Try explaining the concept of time to a toddler. Parenting is a personal paradigm shift that dramatically rewires the brain to transition from the default setting of “self” to that of "other." Nobody captured this reality better than author David Foster Wallace in this adaptation of a commencement speech he presented to the graduating class at Kenyon college in 2005. 

David Foster Wallace

"There happen to be whole large parts of adult American life that nobody talks about in commencement speeches. One such part involves boredom, routine, and petty frustration. The parents and older folks here will know all too well what I'm talking about. The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day."

It was not until the A.C. years that I came to understand the meaning of sacrifice he speaks of. This is parenting. There is no greater purpose... no higher calling than the psychological development and spiritual growth of another human being. My role as a parent will always be inextricably linked to all that I am and do... in the creative domain, in relationships, in the professional world... in LIFE.