On Friendship...

“Wherever you are, it is your friends who make your world.” – William James

Almost certainly because a close friend of mine left Portland last Friday to return to Southern California, I feel genuinely compelled to talk about friendship this week.  Although abrupt and distressing, his departure reminded me that true friendship is as essential in our lives as any other component. Connecting with another person that you respect and appreciate psychologically sooths the mind and soul. Friendship is a deliberate choice... a personal expression based on inclusion and acceptance… free from judgment or obligation. The words of poet and philosopher Kahlil Gibran capture this notion as eloquently as anyone;

When you part from your friend, you grieve not;

For that which you love most

in him may be clearer in his absence,

as the mountain to the climber

is clearer from the plain…

And let your best be for your friend

that you should seek him with hours to kill?

Seek him always with hours to live.

For it is his to fill your need,

but not your emptiness.

And in the sweetness of friendship

let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.

For in the dew of little things

the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

I'm trying, with all of my will, to see the positive in the situation, but it's difficult because the "mountain" is essentially his old house and the "plain" is the view from mine. That dark, empty house across the street is a permanent, structural representation of his absence. 

This fresh and exposed wound has stirred up some thoughts about how we interact socially in a 21st century global society... urging me to contemplate the meaning of friendship more acutely.

The Erosion of Intimacy…

I suppose one of the reasons I resisted Facebook and all other preceding social networking sites for so long is that they basically place everyone into the same social stratum. This erosion of personal intimacy is embedded in the design. There is no Facebook “BFF” or “acquaintance” category. You’re either a “friend” or not. How is one supposed to prioritize their relationships? I know you can chat or direct message someone, but generally, and I’m just a newcomer, people broadcast information to their wall for instant consumption by everyone in their network. It’s very impersonal. Don’t get me wrong. I welcome the benefits these powerful social tools bring, but quality of intimacy is sometimes more important than quantity of friends.


During my son’s recent appendectomy, an impromptu discussion started in the surgery waiting room about using Facebook to notify friends in emergency situations. A woman, whose son had decided to impress her by jumping from the metal slide to the monkey bars, was expressing how frustrated her mom was because she learned of her grandson’s injury through a Facebook post. Her feelings were hurt because she didn’t get the news personally from her daughter… “I had to find out through Facebook,” she exclaimed. Suspending “generational” limitations for a moment, I think we can understand how this might be offensive to a close friend or family member.

Tiers of Friendship

If Facebook created different tiers of friendship, not only would it be more dynamic… like a social-reality-video-game, it would resolve this intimacy problem. Imagine how challenging it would be if you had 12 levels of friendship to negotiate, rather than one. I thought this idea should circulate as quickly as possible so I forwarded the following proposal to Mark Zuckerberg.

Proposed Tiers of Friendship for Facebook

That’s more like it. I mean, at least make it a little more challenging than: 

It’s too easy. I’ll friend anybody whose name I recognize or gives me a random complement. It’s a fairly loose standard… right? No offense, but when someone won’t friend you on Facebook, you know you’ve got issues. Now… with Facebook FRIEND-TIERS, we have the excitement and complexity of climbing a multifaceted social ladder that will keep us energized and motivated indefinitely. I can’t stop thinking about how many “besties” I’m gonna get. 


If you could post to only people in your “close friend” tier, you could let your mom and other important family members get the emergency surgery scoop first. Maybe you want to invite every "3rd - tier friend" or above to your dinner party. No need for stalkers or outsiders to have this information, right? 

Wear your heart on your "wall."

OK, OK… enough sarcasm. Let's shift gears and get back to the real essence of this message... meaningful friendship. Instead of focusing on the limitations of social networking, let's exploit the quantitative power of the web to create a higher level of personal intimacy? How…? Tell everybody. Substantiate the authenticity of your feelings. Isn’t the risk of mass social scrutiny or embarrassment the highest level of sincerity we know? Privacy is practically obsolete anyway so “wear your heart on your wall” so to speak. It’s the digital equivalent of the “love confession” scene in so many movies… you know, where the desperate guy finally professes his true feelings in front of a contentious crowd of people often in a classroom or during a wedding service at the last possible minute. Remember Ben (Dustin Hoffman) in The Graduate? 

The Graduate

So… where’s all this going? Why the big build-up? You might have guessed… I have a special someone to reach out to. No… not like that. I’m not cheating on my wife or sending pictures of my junk out for mass consumption. I simply want to let everyone know about how much I’m going to miss my great friend Chris. Instead of sending him a heartfelt letter, I’m going to let everyone in the digital domain know about my feelings. So… here it is.

I Love You, Man…

Let’s face it… our country, for reasons we won’t analyze now, is absurdly homophobic. The idea of intimacy between men just fu$#ing scares people. This is why we have bromantic comedies that satirize male bonding like I Love You, Man and the "hugshake," where men shake hands and do a one-arm hug simultaneously to create enough distance between bodies to avoid penis contact.  Seriously, the undercurrent of social awkwardness regarding affection between guys is relentless in American culture. Well… I say… “NO MORE!” 


I say show your friends and loved ones, regardless of gender, how much they mean to you as often as you can and as dramatically as possible. Don’t wait until there’s conflict or someone gets hurt or becomes ill. Ignore the homophobia, ignorance or social discomfort that says men can't show affection to one another. Even now... guys reading this are thinking, “That’s gay.” No. You know what? It’s awesome.

The movie Shawshank Redemption, adapted from a short story by Stephen King, was an extraordinary portrayal of friendship and loyalty that developed between Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins) and Ellis "Red" Redding (Morgan Freeman) in a state penitentiary during the mid 1900’s.  After 19 years of wrongful imprisonment, Andy finally escapes. His absence, deeply felt by "Red" is poignantly described in this scene:

"Andy Dufresne… who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side. Andy Dufresne… headed for the Pacific. Those of us who knew him best talk about him often. I swear the stuff he pulled. Sometimes it makes me sad, though, Andy being gone. I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright and when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice, but still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend."

Just replace “Andy” with “Chris” and you’ll understand what I’m going through. My world, similar to Red’s, is now that much more drab and empty now that he’s gone. I know that you already know, but for the official digital record, Chris, I love you, man. You will be greatly missed my friend. 


Now please… go join Facebook… so I can "friend" you.